Originally posted to alt.shenanigans
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
2. If they ask you personal questions, ask them personal questions.
3. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Alternately, you can tell them, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..." When they try to get to the sell, just keep talking about your "problems."
4. If they want to sell you a newspaper, tell them you can't read.
5. If they want to wash your windows, tell them your house doesn't have windows.
6. If they say they're Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
7. (Only for those who live in California) When a computer calls instead of a person, give it a made-up name. When a live telemarketer calls asking for that fictional person, talk to them enough to get the company's name and address and then report them to the District Attorney..because in California, it's illegal for a computer to call you up and give you a recorded message unless a live person comes on first and asks if you are willing to listen.
8. Tell them you don't do business with strangers who are rude enough to call you. (But this one is too up-front for most of these non-vertebrates.)
9. This works better if you're male:
Telemarketer: Hi, my name is Spammi and I'm with Canter & Siegel services...
You: Hang on a second. [a few seconds' pause] Okay, [in really husky voice]
What are you wearing?
Telemarketer: [Click.]
10. Cry out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Spammi! Is that you? Oh, my GOD! Spammi, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Spammi a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from. Have fun with therefused to pay. [I need to track down a source for this one...]
13. Say "no", over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.
14. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"
15. If they clean rugs: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out GOAT blood? How about HUMAN blood?" Alternate: "Sorry, my floor is made of stone."
16. If they paint: "Can you cover up blood?" Alternate: "Do you paint tents?"
17. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "uh-huh", "rilly" or "how fascinating". Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them you couldn't just give out your credit card number to a complete stranger.
18. Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example:
Schmoe: "This is Bill from SomeCompany."
You: " SomeCompany! Hey, I work for them too. Where are you calling from?"
Schmoe: "Uh...Dallas, Texas."
You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather?!?"
Schmoe: "Sorry, we can't sell to employees."
You: "Oh, okay. Bye!"