- November 8th, 1995 - Redmond Washington -
Microsoft announed today a new software package called currently
Computer Response Automation Program, or C.R.A.P. This is a system for
Win95 in which is automaticly chooses what you do and do not want to
do. After watching you use your computer for one day it automaticly
"learns" how to do what you do. This includes pressing certain buttons
in dialog boxes, opening usual programs and entering in data. Currently
in its beta version, the users it is targetting for (Computer Idiots
(All registered users of BOB)) have all had a similar reaction of
liking the computer to make all of its decisions for them. "Its great
to sit down and find out what my computer ordered me off of America
On-Line!". Currently the only bug found in the system is that it will
periodically sign you onto the Microsoft Network, and order random
Microsoft products using your credit card. Microsoft commented by
saying "We plan on making it a full feature by release time, which will
be by 1996.". Apple was asked for a comment on this new product and
simply said "Hahahahaha". IBM refused to comment on the situation,
fearing the press may bring up the OS/2 shenanigan. Most users of BOB
and all users of Win95 will be eligable for this program, which will be
supplied free of charge by Microsoft. It is bundled with a new version
of Quicken, the popular money managment software, which is modified to
work with C.R.A.P. The Justice Department will be investigating
Microsoft on claims that the new Quicken allows Microsoft access to
your bank accounts, Bill Gates commented on this with "Most users of
[Win95] couldn't balance their checkbook if they tried, we are simply
easing their life by controling their finances. Is that a crime?".
Microsoft stock jumped 253 points the same day that their beta versions
of C.R.A.P. were installed on all NYSE computer terminals. Microsoft
C.R.A.P. updates will soon be released free to all users on the Web or
via free CDROM which installs itself. "It's like not having a computer,
but having one. Truley amazing revolution in technology" A CNN analyst
bought by Microsoft said, "It will revolutionize all of the revolutions
in the revolutionary Win95 revolution in technology." Microsoft
announced that C.R.A.P. will not be availible for the Macintosh system
or WinNT because they are "too smart, we might get caught" said a
contact inside Microsoft for the AP.